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Today started off with me feeling all over the place, something which has been sneaking up on me over the past few days. I feel very mixed emotions and thoughts in regards to my life right now. Iapos;m excited by my goals, and want to work to make things better, but Iapos;m also feeling myself dragging in the past (which is not a helpful mindset), and having a hard time associating the work I need to do right now with the rewards that come down the line. I get really energized at one moment, and really tired and demotivated shortly after. Sometimes I stay aware of the fact that I will be moving my yearapos;s end, and use that as my base line for actions, whereas sometimes Iapos;m acting like I can afford to have a full roomapos;s worth of items and files.

I went out to buy milk today, and on that vigorous walk, a lot of my head cleared. Iapos;m really going to take a sharper approach in all of this, because I think what I need to do is clear my slate as much as possible. That will make any move easier, but I also think it gives me a breath of fresh air. If I do go overboard and clear too much, then Iapos;ll live with that, because I think the benefits outweigh the consequences.

Iapos;m changing my mindset as quickly as possible, but itapos;s very hard. Still though- I must do this, there is no alternative.
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So, I found out last night that although I do my best to respect my co-workers and help them out, when I ask them to help me with something, they arenapos;t willing to do it. As a result, I had to listen to my supervisor tell me how I have to earn respect, and that I canapos;t just expect people to respect me. I figured that by being a good person and helping people when they need it, that earned respect. Evidently not. So, fuck it. Starting today, theyapos;re going to see a different me, and weapos;ll see how that goes. If things change, awesome. If not, who cares? Iapos;m moving to Best Buy Mobile. My supervisorapos;s already said heapos;ll back me, and the GM has said that he thinks Iapos;d do well transferring there, so thatapos;s what Iapos;m doing.

Meanwhile, Iapos;m about to call Nissan about this Altima recall. Thanks for the heads up, Jason.

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...
This is the third time Iapos;ve sat down today with the intention of blogging, Iapos;ve had loads of free time today, Freddie at nursery from 08:00, I had the morning to myself then picked Freddie up from nursery, he had a great time, no tears when I left, he was excited to go play and waved Alex and I goodbye with a smile. Alex at school from 08:50, I went to the shop to get some dishwasher tablets and bin bags, then after a bath I got Freddie home and put him down to sleep, heapos;s been quiet as a mouse for 2 hours.

Even so, Iapos;ve got a bubbling of blog going on under the surface, I want to write about lots, but itapos;s all inside-brain stuff, I donapos;t seem to be able to get it out. At the moment I also donapos;t seem to be able to do the rambling rubbish posts of yesteryear when Iapos;d just start writing what was in my head and see where I ended up, I canapos;t start and when I sit down to start I donapos;t know what to write.

Is this what writers block feels like? To have something in your head that you just canapos;t get out?
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Iapos;ve decided to pursue a recent urge to learn Italian. Whatapos;s really cool is I can do it at home, and it doesnapos;t cost me anything. My library system is hooked up to TELL�ME�MORE (because Rosetta Stone no longer distributes to libraries) which I can connect to through the libraryapos;s website.�I started on the beginner lessons last night. Actually I did pretty well, and since I have a decent handle on French and have learned some Spanish, some things seem to work the same. Except the pronoun "I" - in French itapos;s apos;Je" and it took me forever to remember that in Italian itapos;s "Io".� Some things are different, too, like instead of "Je mapos;appele" for "my name is" itapos;s "Io�mi chiami"�( I am called). �I think. I�need to review.

Ciao A presto (see, Iapos;m learning)

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I... Have now watched the new House episode, (5x04 apos;Birthmarksapos;) about 6 times.

I canapos;t stop, srsly; lol


In more random words, Iapos;m feeling a bit blue. :(

Blue as in if Wednesday never comes Iapos;d be ok with it. "Never comes" as in never having to go to my Psychology class again, or the zombie apolaypse occurs and I have to join a ragtag rebellous group in order to survive.

I dunno, itapos;s probably because the 2nd 8 weeks starts this week and I always get super depressed when I start new classes. No idea why, maybe I hate having to start something all new and having to adjust again.

*sigh* Whatever it it, it sucks. Feeling blue is not fun...


This episode is still awesome :D
The depression from HH-WH (a depression of 3-4 months) is now gone. :) At least thereapos;s that.
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Stress.
its like my lifes in one huge knot lately.
im not really sure how to untie or undo it.
i just hope that when it finally comes apart and everything falls into place, its for the goood
and ill finally be where i wana be, with who i wana be with.

i hate how people cant just be honest with themselves
its like they need to trick themselves into thinking one thing
so they wont come to the realization that its actaully not at all what it seems

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This is not my usual sunshine and kittens sort of post. If you donapos;t like it when Iapos;m not sunshine and kittens, this is a good time to take a pass and go over to Boing Boing Gadgets or something.

Like my posts about bi-polar disorder, I am not writing for peopleapos;s comfort or sympathy or (my fave accusations, bring it on some more) drama.
Iapos;m writing to remove isolation and secrecy.� The same way I wonapos;t pretend Iapos;m not bi-polar, I also have no time for sub-humans who hurt children and animals.

Some of you reading this are going to be aghast, you might even take to your beds with the vapors, but I want you to consider something very, very carefully: you were protected from disgrace and censure during his lifetime. Consider yourselves lucky that you had someone to cover up for him, to tell me how hurt youapos;d be, and that I was the best little girl ever and I said nothing.
You got nice homes, financial security, material goods and travel. More than you deserved, but, hey, you never forgot what you traded for that, so weapos;re probably even.

This is a warning: When I say I donapos;t want to hear from you, I mean I donapos;t want to hear from you.�
Tell me who died, cried, fried, lied and I am going to tell you a story about them.
Like right now.

I wonder how many of you are unfortunate enough to know or fortunate enough to not know what itapos;s like to always have to surrender your bedroom for the couch when guests visited. And the room you give up is smoked in (even though it made you sick), left in a shambles (and you are the maid, itapos;s your room, cleaning up after guests goes with cooking for all the ungrateful men).

You go into this room, in which you are a tolerated tenant between guests, the room with its sweet pink walls, wacky flowered wallpaper, and hi-lo pink shag carpet (you know, a little girlapos;s room), to kiss your soon-to-be second-least favorite uncle (and thatapos;s a pretty goddamn low bar to limbo under) good night.� He asks you to rub his back. Then he asks to rub yours. You say no. He asks you to lie down next to him while heapos;s hanging on to you and pulling you down. He tries to drag you back into your own bed when you try to leave. Twice. When you get loud enough to wake other adults in the house, he lets you go.
How I was twelve and already knew what grooming behavior was and to not be fooled by protests of love or threats of abandonment? Iapos;d already learned it in that same room.

I was twelve, he was my favorite uncle, he said I was his favorite niece. That made it impossible to look at him after and not feel like throwing up, like crying because he was allowed back as a guest over and over again. I forgave him for being weak, dumb, venal, immature and creepy. Iapos;m still trying to forgive him for not being the uncle that he sold me on: funny, kind, a good dancer, someone who thought I was special.

Second-least-favorite uncle died last May, and all I feel is relief. I hope I am the only one who needed to. I want to say Iapos;m sorry I didnapos;t know the person you did, but the truth is we all knew the same man.
�

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