Iapos;m breaking down again, big surprise there. Wish I didnapos;t have to do it at work where I have to close my door and hide my sobs, but then again Iapos;d do the same thing at home so it doesnapos;t matter.
Besides the soul crushing loneliness and the fact that if Iapos;m horny my body goes into panic inflammation mode and pumps as much pain into me as it can- I find that I just canapos;t deal with this stoically. Or at all really, because of the synthetic hormones.
The hormones I have to be on or the disease gets worse.
The hormones I have to be on because any of the ones that wonapos;t fuck with my mood wonapos;t do a damn thing for the endometriosis.
So I canapos;t go off them and I canapos;t switch. I feel stuck and crazy and like Iapos;m about to shove this letter opener into something. Anything.
I feel like if I could just get off the hormones I wouldnapos;t be depressed and I can be normal and maybe even happy again. But I canapos;t. So Iapos;m stuck.
I apparently have the complete inability to "think happy thoughts" and switch my mood like that, at the snap of my fingers There must be something wrong with me Iapos;m wallowing in my misery
I think I remember now why I slammed my head into the floor that one time- it was the only thing I could do to shut my brain up.
Iapos;m walking. I donapos;t care that itapos;s 50 and my bodyapos;s going to kill me for it later- Iapos;m walking.
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